Lazier than you'd think.

I saw a whole new level of academic laziness today. An older couple came in to rent two movies for their daughter who is apparently studying nursing at a local university. They were sent by their daughter to get the movies so she wouldn't have to read the books the movies were about. Naturally the movies were rented out by what must have been another superior academic, which brought down a storm of disbelief and frustration.

"How is my daughter suppose to write her papers now?!!"
(Well for one you could tell her to read the fucking book!)

"WAIT! HERE IT IS!! That guy was lying. They have it right here!"
Me: "Sorry mam, that is just the display box for the rental."
"What? Well why even have these out here if the movie is rented out?! Are you sure there isn't a disc in this box?"
(Really?! Do you really think that I wouldn't know how we run this store? It's a goddamn video store, it's not complicated. I should have opened it and said "Well holy boobs on a man! What do you know, there was a movie in this box.....huh, I wonder if all these boxes had movies in them all along.")

There you have it folks. Your medical professionals in training don't even have the drive to goto the video store themselves to rent movies based on books they are too lazy to read. Additionally, one was Cuckoo's Nest. How long is that book? 300 pages? Who the fuck can't read that in a few days? God, you could get read in no time if you put it in the bathroom.

I think I need to "lose" all our movies based on popular academic novels.

Argue With Me 2

It's standard practice for us to check the movies for scratches and fingerprints before we let a customer leave with a video, especially ones with a "these didn't work" warning on their account.

Customer I rented too the other night with a late balance totally over $100 and a note on their account that they pull the old "these didn't work" excuse for late movies comes in.

Customer: I'm returning these. They didn't work.

Me: Oh, sorry about that........<beep> <beep> Oh, these are 6 days over due.

Customer: Ya, but they didn't work.

Me: Why didn't you return earlier then? Or call us to let us know they were defective?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: (Open rentals and examine discs) These are covered in what looks like mashed potatoes and maple syrup.

Customer: Ya, those were like that when I got them.

Me: You picked out two movies from different places in the store that both happened to be covered in mashed potatoes and syrup? Potatoes and syrup that can stay wet for over a week?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: I think I would have noticed this when I rented them to you last week.

Customer: Oh, you did work then.

Me: Yep

Customer: They still didn't work.

Movie Titles You Wouldn't Want Describing Your Sex Life 2.

She's The Man
Works on so many levels.


Desperation
Then again, getting some is getting some....


Far From Heaven
....unless it's just plain bad.

101 Dalmations
Believe it or not this was one of the last ones I thought of.
In retrospect I'm sure by at least number 100 this person wouldn't be in the "wouldn't want this describing their sex life" boat.


Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang
Murder? Murder/Suicide? Something awesome? Depends on what they mean by "bang." I try to keep live fire out of the bedroom.

Edition Idiocy 1

What happened to Collector's Edition? I know it's still around and typically on movies that actually deserve it. But it's these other films....the ones that make you think "Someone actually cares about this enough to think of themselves as collecting it?" or just have ridiculous names for a edition of the film that has perhaps one extra scene. It's time to drag these film into the harsh light of day and collectively shake our heads in disapproval.
 

Airplane!

This is by far the one that irritates me the most. In 2005 Paramount DVD released the "Widescreen Collection: 25th Anniversary Edition: "Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" of Airplane.

Did you catch that? It's the Collection-Edition-Edition. But what I think is the worse bit of this train wreck of marketing rhetoric is the "Don't call me shirley!" part of the entire thing. It's not funny. There is no excuse to use a catch phrase from a film as the title of the edition, especially a 25 anniversary edition. It belittles the entire thing, and makes it look ridiculous, which Airplane! can do all on it's own.

"Don't call me Shirley" Edition does not convey any amount of information about this release of the film. Given a collectors edition or Criterion collection we have an idea, but not with this sad attempt on trying to get people to remember that this movie was funny, once.

What's sadder still is that someone actually put ""Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" on the rental box label.

Movie Titles That Sounds Like Euphemisms For Genitalia.

Eye of the Dolphin

To start the list off with something like this seems like it might be a stretch. I'm sure by now you've grasped your brain around this euphemism. You're probably even thinking about the movie Role Models right now. I would have completely agreed with you that is euphemism is a bit of a stretch.

Until this......

Look again, totally SFW

Man-Thing
Is there a better name for this monstrosity that lives where it's damp and humid?
And to think this is actually a Marvel Comics character. You would think Marvel would be better about things like this. Well at least there isn't a guy flying around the city in tights lurking outside peoples apartment windows flinging around white sticky........webbing............ you pervert. Did I mention that the Man-Thing is also a thing of Seminole legend. That's correct, a group of Seminole Indians came up with the Man-Thing, priceless.

Do you have that one movie?

"Do you have that movie with the black guy and the white guy on a train?"


"Do you have that one where teenagers die, but they're not really dead, they're ok. Like, it was on purpose."

"Do you have that movie with Hillary Swank where she dies on the way to the prom. Oh, and it might not actually be a movie."

"I'm looking for a movie, but it can't have: womens rights, gay rights, race rights, jews, or anything against god in it. Violence is ok though, and some sex as long as it's not too much."

"Do you have the movie about the serial killer? You know the one that went on a killing spree years ago."

"Do you have that one movie? It's got "wizard" in the title.........oh here it is Harry Potter."

"Hi, I'm looking for this one movie I saw in here before. It had aliens in it I think. Where can I find it?"

"Hi, my kids is looking for that one game where you are a big green guy that shoots other guys."

....And This Is A Movie? #2

Jenifer

Now hold on folks, this one is gonna get a little weird. I'm sure you've heard this or have been posed with the hypothetical situation of what would you do if there was a person with a really hot body but an abomination of a face. Don't think too hard because you are all in luck! Someone has actually made a movie about this very situation and it's called Jenifer.

From the box:
"Steven Weber of THE SHINING,THE STAND and DESPERATION stars as Frank Spivey, a detective who rescues a strange young girl (Carrie Anne Fleming) with a horribly disfigured face and lusciously ripe body from a deranged killer. But when Spivey takes responsibility for the mentally challenged orphan, she reveals herself to be a creature of untold carnal pleasures and unspeakable violent depravities that may lead him straight to hell. She is seductress, psychopath and succubus all in one…and her name is JENIFER."

Ok, lets take a look here.
Horribly disfigured and lusciously ripe body. Well that pretty much sums up the age old hypothetical.

OH! and she's mentally challenged? Well now we have a whole new dimension added to the equation, though I really didn't want to drag ethics into the mix.

Objectively there seems to be a lot of deal-breakers here for actually going through with anything. Let alone sleeping with her and abandoning your family for cat-breath the concubine (She eats the family cat.)

Mentally challenged orphan? Deal-breaker

She commits unspeakable violent depravities? Well I guess you don't have to worry about telling or explaining them to other people seeing as they are unspeakable. Even still, deal-breaker.

She's a psychopath and a succubus? Well not exactly positive qualities....deal-breaker.

It is very amusing that the writer of the synopsis is really trying to make you divided on the subject by including language such as, luscious, untold carnal pleasure, and seductress. It's amusing because for some reason a mentally challenged disfigured psychopath probably isn't going to really sway me too much into anything regardless of how ripe and seductive she is. But then again this could all be to soften the audience up for when the guy from Wings bangs her. Oh ya, he totally hits that, a lot.

What can we expect from a movie that has a dramatic synopsis and cover art with the review blurb "As grotesque as it is jaw-on-the-floor funny!" Should the audience be sick, laugh, or feel horny? Look at the bright side, she does have the positive quality that she eats pu........cats. You know, if you don't like cats..... that's a positive.........right?

This isn't a movie review of any kind but I still can't help wanting to pass some kind of judgment on this movie just out of the sake of principle. A+ for trying to put together what just might be one of the most uncomfortable scenarios in film. D for the plot holes, and are there plot holes. D for the predictable ending. Take that as you want, I'm just happy that I can tell people about this movie and not have them look at me in disbelief and wonder after my tale of seduction and unspeakable horror and say, "....and this is a movie?"