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Bad Reviews For Movies You Love: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

 

2.0 out of 5 stars disapointed, November 10, 2010

By	Eduardo V.

This review is from: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (DVD)

"i think michael cera is a nerd not funny at all.i expected better fights the movie jumped around alot. cera can not act,i should have not bought it but i listned to every idiot that gave it good reviews,jonah hex got bad reviews and i thought it was great shows what stupid people know......."

I think anyone with punctuation, spelling, and grammar worse than mine doesn't deserve an opinion on anything, ever. I'm DISAPPOINTED (with two Ps) in your review. Oh wait, is this Eduardo from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends? Never mind, this review is awesome.

Lie To Me.....Some More.

I just had a woman (>400lbs) dragging along a bunch of children (all under 5y/o) bring in a stack of videos from one of our other locations. She told me that they were due sometime back in June and that she found them when she was unpacking. I called up the store the videos came from and found out that there is a bill attached to those rentals of $279, and that they are not permitted to rent from any location until they pay the balance off. Before I can inform the woman of this she came [flowed turbulently] up to the counter with a stack of rentals. I apologized and let her know that she would not be able to rent until the balance from her returns was payed off. She then informed me that the rentals were not hers and that she found them sitting in the house/apartment she just moved into. I apologized again and asked her for her account #. On pulling up the account I was treated to a memo from the owner stipulating that under no circumstances is she allowed to rent, she had several unreturned movies out on her account that were due over a year ago. You can imagine how excited she was about this news, and how excited I was to tell her that she can't rent here. I guess that's what you get for being a liar and a sloth.

Ask A Video Clerk #1

I filtered the Clerk's Life email account, just for you the viewers, to answer your questions about the humiliating and apathetic world of video rental service.

Our first question is:
"Why are your new release kids movies on the bottom most shelf?"

That's fairly common question and you would think the answer would be fairly obvious. Well, the official answer is that children are small and their parents are over weight and lazy. Putting the movies on the bottom shelf enables the children to get at the movies easily and requires too much effort on the parents behalf to put it back, so they just end up renting it anyway.

However, several alternate answers are:

Kids movies + bottom shelf = bent over teenage mothers/soccer moms/etc

Kids belong on the floor.

My boss hates me and likes it when I hurt my back by bending over all the way to the floor 132 times a day.

Women in short skirts statistically enjoy children's films.

I don't know and I don't really care.

I hope that clears up some of the mysteries about video rental. Until next time!

Lazier than you'd think.

I saw a whole new level of academic laziness today. An older couple came in to rent two movies for their daughter who is apparently studying nursing at a local university. They were sent by their daughter to get the movies so she wouldn't have to read the books the movies were about. Naturally the movies were rented out by what must have been another superior academic, which brought down a storm of disbelief and frustration.

"How is my daughter suppose to write her papers now?!!"
(Well for one you could tell her to read the fucking book!)

"WAIT! HERE IT IS!! That guy was lying. They have it right here!"
Me: "Sorry mam, that is just the display box for the rental."
"What? Well why even have these out here if the movie is rented out?! Are you sure there isn't a disc in this box?"
(Really?! Do you really think that I wouldn't know how we run this store? It's a goddamn video store, it's not complicated. I should have opened it and said "Well holy boobs on a man! What do you know, there was a movie in this box.....huh, I wonder if all these boxes had movies in them all along.")

There you have it folks. Your medical professionals in training don't even have the drive to goto the video store themselves to rent movies based on books they are too lazy to read. Additionally, one was Cuckoo's Nest. How long is that book? 300 pages? Who the fuck can't read that in a few days? God, you could get read in no time if you put it in the bathroom.

I think I need to "lose" all our movies based on popular academic novels.

Argue With Me 2

It's standard practice for us to check the movies for scratches and fingerprints before we let a customer leave with a video, especially ones with a "these didn't work" warning on their account.

Customer I rented too the other night with a late balance totally over $100 and a note on their account that they pull the old "these didn't work" excuse for late movies comes in.

Customer: I'm returning these. They didn't work.

Me: Oh, sorry about that........<beep> <beep> Oh, these are 6 days over due.

Customer: Ya, but they didn't work.

Me: Why didn't you return earlier then? Or call us to let us know they were defective?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: (Open rentals and examine discs) These are covered in what looks like mashed potatoes and maple syrup.

Customer: Ya, those were like that when I got them.

Me: You picked out two movies from different places in the store that both happened to be covered in mashed potatoes and syrup? Potatoes and syrup that can stay wet for over a week?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: I think I would have noticed this when I rented them to you last week.

Customer: Oh, you did work then.

Me: Yep

Customer: They still didn't work.

Movie Titles You Wouldn't Want Describing Your Sex Life 2.

She's The Man
Works on so many levels.


Desperation
Then again, getting some is getting some....


Far From Heaven
....unless it's just plain bad.

101 Dalmations
Believe it or not this was one of the last ones I thought of.
In retrospect I'm sure by at least number 100 this person wouldn't be in the "wouldn't want this describing their sex life" boat.


Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang
Murder? Murder/Suicide? Something awesome? Depends on what they mean by "bang." I try to keep live fire out of the bedroom.