Argue With Me 2

It's standard practice for us to check the movies for scratches and fingerprints before we let a customer leave with a video, especially ones with a "these didn't work" warning on their account.

Customer I rented too the other night with a late balance totally over $100 and a note on their account that they pull the old "these didn't work" excuse for late movies comes in.

Customer: I'm returning these. They didn't work.

Me: Oh, sorry about that........<beep> <beep> Oh, these are 6 days over due.

Customer: Ya, but they didn't work.

Me: Why didn't you return earlier then? Or call us to let us know they were defective?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: (Open rentals and examine discs) These are covered in what looks like mashed potatoes and maple syrup.

Customer: Ya, those were like that when I got them.

Me: You picked out two movies from different places in the store that both happened to be covered in mashed potatoes and syrup? Potatoes and syrup that can stay wet for over a week?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: I think I would have noticed this when I rented them to you last week.

Customer: Oh, you did work then.

Me: Yep

Customer: They still didn't work.

Movie Titles You Wouldn't Want Describing Your Sex Life 2.

She's The Man
Works on so many levels.


Desperation
Then again, getting some is getting some....


Far From Heaven
....unless it's just plain bad.

101 Dalmations
Believe it or not this was one of the last ones I thought of.
In retrospect I'm sure by at least number 100 this person wouldn't be in the "wouldn't want this describing their sex life" boat.


Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang
Murder? Murder/Suicide? Something awesome? Depends on what they mean by "bang." I try to keep live fire out of the bedroom.

Edition Idiocy 1

What happened to Collector's Edition? I know it's still around and typically on movies that actually deserve it. But it's these other films....the ones that make you think "Someone actually cares about this enough to think of themselves as collecting it?" or just have ridiculous names for a edition of the film that has perhaps one extra scene. It's time to drag these film into the harsh light of day and collectively shake our heads in disapproval.
 

Airplane!

This is by far the one that irritates me the most. In 2005 Paramount DVD released the "Widescreen Collection: 25th Anniversary Edition: "Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" of Airplane.

Did you catch that? It's the Collection-Edition-Edition. But what I think is the worse bit of this train wreck of marketing rhetoric is the "Don't call me shirley!" part of the entire thing. It's not funny. There is no excuse to use a catch phrase from a film as the title of the edition, especially a 25 anniversary edition. It belittles the entire thing, and makes it look ridiculous, which Airplane! can do all on it's own.

"Don't call me Shirley" Edition does not convey any amount of information about this release of the film. Given a collectors edition or Criterion collection we have an idea, but not with this sad attempt on trying to get people to remember that this movie was funny, once.

What's sadder still is that someone actually put ""Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" on the rental box label.

Movie Titles That Sounds Like Euphemisms For Genitalia.

Eye of the Dolphin

To start the list off with something like this seems like it might be a stretch. I'm sure by now you've grasped your brain around this euphemism. You're probably even thinking about the movie Role Models right now. I would have completely agreed with you that is euphemism is a bit of a stretch.

Until this......

Look again, totally SFW

Man-Thing
Is there a better name for this monstrosity that lives where it's damp and humid?
And to think this is actually a Marvel Comics character. You would think Marvel would be better about things like this. Well at least there isn't a guy flying around the city in tights lurking outside peoples apartment windows flinging around white sticky........webbing............ you pervert. Did I mention that the Man-Thing is also a thing of Seminole legend. That's correct, a group of Seminole Indians came up with the Man-Thing, priceless.

Do you have that one movie?

"Do you have that movie with the black guy and the white guy on a train?"


"Do you have that one where teenagers die, but they're not really dead, they're ok. Like, it was on purpose."

"Do you have that movie with Hillary Swank where she dies on the way to the prom. Oh, and it might not actually be a movie."

"I'm looking for a movie, but it can't have: womens rights, gay rights, race rights, jews, or anything against god in it. Violence is ok though, and some sex as long as it's not too much."

"Do you have the movie about the serial killer? You know the one that went on a killing spree years ago."

"Do you have that one movie? It's got "wizard" in the title.........oh here it is Harry Potter."

"Hi, I'm looking for this one movie I saw in here before. It had aliens in it I think. Where can I find it?"

"Hi, my kids is looking for that one game where you are a big green guy that shoots other guys."

....And This Is A Movie? #2

Jenifer

Now hold on folks, this one is gonna get a little weird. I'm sure you've heard this or have been posed with the hypothetical situation of what would you do if there was a person with a really hot body but an abomination of a face. Don't think too hard because you are all in luck! Someone has actually made a movie about this very situation and it's called Jenifer.

From the box:
"Steven Weber of THE SHINING,THE STAND and DESPERATION stars as Frank Spivey, a detective who rescues a strange young girl (Carrie Anne Fleming) with a horribly disfigured face and lusciously ripe body from a deranged killer. But when Spivey takes responsibility for the mentally challenged orphan, she reveals herself to be a creature of untold carnal pleasures and unspeakable violent depravities that may lead him straight to hell. She is seductress, psychopath and succubus all in one…and her name is JENIFER."

Ok, lets take a look here.
Horribly disfigured and lusciously ripe body. Well that pretty much sums up the age old hypothetical.

OH! and she's mentally challenged? Well now we have a whole new dimension added to the equation, though I really didn't want to drag ethics into the mix.

Objectively there seems to be a lot of deal-breakers here for actually going through with anything. Let alone sleeping with her and abandoning your family for cat-breath the concubine (She eats the family cat.)

Mentally challenged orphan? Deal-breaker

She commits unspeakable violent depravities? Well I guess you don't have to worry about telling or explaining them to other people seeing as they are unspeakable. Even still, deal-breaker.

She's a psychopath and a succubus? Well not exactly positive qualities....deal-breaker.

It is very amusing that the writer of the synopsis is really trying to make you divided on the subject by including language such as, luscious, untold carnal pleasure, and seductress. It's amusing because for some reason a mentally challenged disfigured psychopath probably isn't going to really sway me too much into anything regardless of how ripe and seductive she is. But then again this could all be to soften the audience up for when the guy from Wings bangs her. Oh ya, he totally hits that, a lot.

What can we expect from a movie that has a dramatic synopsis and cover art with the review blurb "As grotesque as it is jaw-on-the-floor funny!" Should the audience be sick, laugh, or feel horny? Look at the bright side, she does have the positive quality that she eats pu........cats. You know, if you don't like cats..... that's a positive.........right?

This isn't a movie review of any kind but I still can't help wanting to pass some kind of judgment on this movie just out of the sake of principle. A+ for trying to put together what just might be one of the most uncomfortable scenarios in film. D for the plot holes, and are there plot holes. D for the predictable ending. Take that as you want, I'm just happy that I can tell people about this movie and not have them look at me in disbelief and wonder after my tale of seduction and unspeakable horror and say, "....and this is a movie?"

Movie Titles You Wouldn't Want Describing Your Sex Life.

- Rush Hour
But then again, if Chris Tucker is involved brevity may be the saving factor here.


- Failure to Launch
Take your pick for the inspiration of erectile dysfunction, Kathy Bates? Sarah Jessica Parker? Matthew Mcconaughey's one tone.


- Crimson Rivers
I'm not even gonna go into this one. (That's what he said)



- Already Dead
Necrophilia jokes, the mark of an enlightened blog.


- Inside Man
Ya, ya, this isn't necessarily bad for everyone. Just try to think of this from a homophobic Tea Party members point of view.

Sticker Shock

Customer: What does "2 Day Rental" mean?

Me: It means that you can rent it for up to 2 days.

Customer: But what does that mean?

Me: I'm sorry I don't follow.

Customer: (to wife) SEE! That's the racket here. That's how they get you. (Points to "2 Day Rental" sticker.

Here, right here, what does that mean?!

Me: That says that you can have the rental for up to 2 nights. That is the base time period for the pricing. $3.85 in two day increments, or one day for $2.85. 

Customer: OH-HOHO So that's why we've gotten late fees. Because these are suppose to be back in 2 days? I don't think that its fair to charge someone late fees when it isn't clear how long the rentals are for. If I can have the rental for 1 night or 2 nights and the sticker says 2 days how am I suppose to know when I need to bring it back? And how was I suppose to know that they are only for 2 days and not longer? That sticker is misleading!

Video Store Haiku 1

Wont make cents
Your movie was late.
Argued with me forever.
Over a few cents.


Entitled
You hated movie.
Expect a refund for it.
That's why you rent, ass.

Bad Taste
Your bad taste in films.
Never ceases to amaze.
Delta Farce, again.

I'd Remember Ghosts Freakin' Everywhere
"Hey, have you seen Pulse?"
"It's based on a true story."
"I read that somewhere."

Pathetic Attempts at Taglines and Subtitles #2

Issue #2 of Pathetic Attempts at Taglines and Subtitles is an action movie special. We have a classic, a cult favorite and 2 others I'm sure nobody could possibly care about. 

 Bullitt
 Being a classic action flick starring Steve McQueen you would think some thought would have been put into which tagline they decided to use on the DVD release of Bullitt.

"There are bad cops and there are good cops and then there's Bullitt."

So, Bullitt is what? A mediocre cop? A variable cop? Chaotic Neutral? We have established he is neither good nor bad. But are we talking his actions or performance? Bullitt - Starring Steve McQueen as you average everyday cop. Watch has he performs his job relatively well and receives just compensation. The most benign 114min you will spend in the theater this summer!

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Making fun of this movie is just too easy, and it's the better of the 2.

"Destroy All Expectations"

Yep, you sure did, and our expectations for video-game based movies has never been the same. Thanks MK: A for lowering the bar to a height that only Uwe Boll has been able to limbo under.

Swindle

Ok, Mortal Kombat was bound to have a bad tagline. But I don't want you hear you crying foul on this one too cause it has Tom Sizemore. Yes, he's a bad B actor, yes his movies suck. But they can at least try to trick people into thinking its good by the cover.

"An Undercover Cop... On the Wrong Side Of The Law."

Well, NO SHIT! That is the entire point of having undercover cops, to send them to the wrong side of the law. How many undercover cop movies sound like this "One undercover cop who only plays by the rules is thrust into the lawful world of following the law. What happens when a cop from the right side of the tracks stays there?" Come on guys are you even trying? I wonder if their follow up work was something like "A boxer.....fighting in a ring" or perhaps they worked on this next one.

Triggermen

This had to be a project by the geniuses from Swindle. To think there is a guy sitting a room/cubicle/monkey habitat/port-a-john somewhere who actually draws a pay check for gems like...


"It's Either a Hit or a Miss."

I'd call it a miss. Just damn....that is right up there with Swindle isn't it? Not sure if you are referring to your movie(MISS!) or to the idea of a bullet. But I just have say der, duh, no shit Sherlock. I know for myself there is nothing more thrilling than the idea of a 50% chance. I love any movie that can give me such edge of my seat probability. WHAT?! Someone may or may not get shot in this film? What luck!I'm overly excited to see the outcome.

Weekend Round Up!

Here are just a few gems from the past weekend.


Steal From The Rich, Give To The Inept
Customer: "I saw a commercial that said Robin Hood is out now." 
Me: Nope, not until the 21st. One more week.
Customer: "Are you calling me a liar!?" 
Me: No, your TV is a liar.


3rd Times A Charm? My Ass.
Customer: "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THIS IS THE 3RD COPY I TRIED AND THEY ALL DON'T WORK! I KEEP GETTING A BLUE SCREEN THAT SAYS INPUT!"
Me: That sounds like your TV is on the wrong channel, input setting, or you have a cable loose.
Customer: That doesn't even make sense!




Killer(s)
Customer: "Do you have Killers-es" 
Me: Well we have Killers, is that what you're looking for? 
Customer: "Killers? So you just have one left?"


 Hold The Genitals
Customer: "Does Saw 6 have anything bad in it?" 
Me: What do you mean by bad? 
Customer: "You know bad stuff."
Me: Well there is plenty of violence and gore.
Customer: "No, like bad stuff. You know?
Me: What is your definition of bad stuff?
Customer: "I dunno........like genitals..........and stuff." 

Veni, Vidi, Vici Video

Customer: "Hey, wanna know why I'm wearing a cape and carrying this metal rod?"
Me: Not really.... 
Customer: "Well you're missing out!"
 <later>
Caped Customer:  "Hey, wanna know why I'm wearing a cape and carrying this metal rod?"
Other Customer: "Ummmm......you're a super-hero?"
Caped Customer: (Very dissappointed) "No, I'm one of those Roman guys."
Other Customer: "Oh, like the guys in 300." 

 

....And This Is A Movie? #1

There are a few movies around the store that from time to time I just look at and think to myself "someone made this into a movie." Today I'm bringing you the first of a new series "....And This Is A Movie?" and I assure you that these "films" are real.

Elf Bowling: The Movie

Yes, you read that correctly Elf Bowling: The Movie.Yes, a movie based on a Flash game, about bowling.....with Christmas elves as pins. There are few better ways to really express the amount of failure that as leaked into our world from this movie making it to store shelves, than to take a look at this customer review from Amazon. And remember, this is from a person who purchased the film (which runs about $0.01 in the used section).


"I bought this movie knowing that it was more than likely going to be a stinker. Even so I was still hugely disappointed. I didn't know it would be this pathetic. The movie had the thinnest of plots which was horribly conceived and executed. The animation was tolerable but by today's standards still on the low end. The movie might have been a bit more endurable if the elves and voices were more like the hilarious ones in the game. In the movie, other than being shorter than Santa and having pointy ears, there was nothing elf-like about the elves.

At the very least the makers of the DVD could have added as a bonus feature the original Elf Bowling game that the movie was "loosely" based on and the follow on game.

The makers of this movie should be made to walk the plank."

I find this review just sad. I actually feel bad for this person, but I can't help but wonder what the hell they were thinking.

"I bought this movie knowing that it was more than likely going to be a stinker."

Why buy a movie that you think is going to suck? Ok, your kids might like it and you might jus........wait this person doesn't mention buying this for their children or kids in general. You, as an adult, purchased a movie called "Elf Bowling: The Movie" for yourself. and you were "still hugely disappointed"?

 <sigh> Lets just move on.


"The movie had the thinnest of plots which was horribly conceived and executed. "


WHAT?! No shit it had the thinnest of plots. The source material is a web-based Flash game where you bowl over elves. Where you sitting there thinking to yourself "Pfft, I seriously doubt that the events of the film so far would lead to an elf-bowl."

"The movie might have been a bit more endurable if the elves and voices were more like the hilarious ones in the game."

Now I'm starting to have a problem with you Mr. Reviewer. It's one thing to criticize the voice-acting. That is a fair argument for the movie sucking. But you had to go on and say that you think the movie would have been better is the  "elves and voices were more like the hilarious ones in the game."Keyword here is "hilarious." You found the voices in the Flash game hilarious?
As in....

hi·lar·i·ous

 /hɪˈlɛəriəs, -ˈlær-, haɪ-/ Show Spelled[hi-lair-ee-uhs, -lar-, hahy-]

–adjective

1.

arousing great merriment; extremely funny: a hilarious story; a hilarious old movie.

Well there it is then. If you make a movie on a game (even a Flash game) that someone actually found hilarious, and they feel that they need to write a review (with there real name attached to it) that closes with "The makers of this movie should be made to walk the plank.", you have seriously failed.

You made a person, willing to spend money on your product, that found the source material hilarious, want you to drown. A person who writes reviews for DVDs of fireplace scenes! At the least the creators of Elf Bowling: The Movie should feel really bad for what they have done to this person, hell, all people. Elf Bowling may just be a sign of exactly what's wrong with entertainment today.

MUMBLER!

I'm amused by Frisky Dingo as much as the next person. However, having a customer who speaks just like Simon with intermittent awkward pauses to stare blankly at me just isn't that fun. People who just ignore me when I greet them when they enter do not typically raise my hopes for a pleasant encounter. But seeing these guys that I can only describe as being mutated clones of Dexter Holland with an essence of white-suburban-skateboard-Rastafarian-ginger-asshole, I abandoned all hope. I somehow managed to gather that the first guy (the bigger one) didn't have an account from his "hrmmmumblebumblemmmmm..no...card-mble" Though I must have heard him wrong (imagine that) cause I then got what I can only call "the stink eye" followed by his ID, and in fact the guy did have an account. Which he was pleased/pissed about by stating "harglmubdingtubkingoot." and then waving his credit card about while looking confused.
Was he looking for a place to swipe? Was he swatting away fanged miniature seagulls? My only clue came when he handed me his card (eventually) explaining to me "termmudlefrohlgummmmbledewprombleyoggiesobmoble." 

The smaller one of the two did rent as well and was a slightly better at forming words understandable by people other than molemen and  merloks. But came with an interesting amount of dysfunction.

Me: Is that all today?
Them: Hrmgarbleopp-Ya
Me: What is your account number?
Them: (Looks around the store then stares at me)
Me: Do you have an account?
Them: No
Me: Would you like to set up an account today?
Them: (looks around) No
Me: Oh, will you be using his(pointing to big guy) account then?
Them: No (looks around)
Me: Well these have to be rented to an account to leave the store.
Them: URGGARBLETOOBLARG! (looks around) I'll use his then.

Seriously guys, WTF?