Edition Idiocy 1

What happened to Collector's Edition? I know it's still around and typically on movies that actually deserve it. But it's these other films....the ones that make you think "Someone actually cares about this enough to think of themselves as collecting it?" or just have ridiculous names for a edition of the film that has perhaps one extra scene. It's time to drag these film into the harsh light of day and collectively shake our heads in disapproval.
 

Airplane!

This is by far the one that irritates me the most. In 2005 Paramount DVD released the "Widescreen Collection: 25th Anniversary Edition: "Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" of Airplane.

Did you catch that? It's the Collection-Edition-Edition. But what I think is the worse bit of this train wreck of marketing rhetoric is the "Don't call me shirley!" part of the entire thing. It's not funny. There is no excuse to use a catch phrase from a film as the title of the edition, especially a 25 anniversary edition. It belittles the entire thing, and makes it look ridiculous, which Airplane! can do all on it's own.

"Don't call me Shirley" Edition does not convey any amount of information about this release of the film. Given a collectors edition or Criterion collection we have an idea, but not with this sad attempt on trying to get people to remember that this movie was funny, once.

What's sadder still is that someone actually put ""Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" on the rental box label.

....And This Is A Movie? #2

Jenifer

Now hold on folks, this one is gonna get a little weird. I'm sure you've heard this or have been posed with the hypothetical situation of what would you do if there was a person with a really hot body but an abomination of a face. Don't think too hard because you are all in luck! Someone has actually made a movie about this very situation and it's called Jenifer.

From the box:
"Steven Weber of THE SHINING,THE STAND and DESPERATION stars as Frank Spivey, a detective who rescues a strange young girl (Carrie Anne Fleming) with a horribly disfigured face and lusciously ripe body from a deranged killer. But when Spivey takes responsibility for the mentally challenged orphan, she reveals herself to be a creature of untold carnal pleasures and unspeakable violent depravities that may lead him straight to hell. She is seductress, psychopath and succubus all in one…and her name is JENIFER."

Ok, lets take a look here.
Horribly disfigured and lusciously ripe body. Well that pretty much sums up the age old hypothetical.

OH! and she's mentally challenged? Well now we have a whole new dimension added to the equation, though I really didn't want to drag ethics into the mix.

Objectively there seems to be a lot of deal-breakers here for actually going through with anything. Let alone sleeping with her and abandoning your family for cat-breath the concubine (She eats the family cat.)

Mentally challenged orphan? Deal-breaker

She commits unspeakable violent depravities? Well I guess you don't have to worry about telling or explaining them to other people seeing as they are unspeakable. Even still, deal-breaker.

She's a psychopath and a succubus? Well not exactly positive qualities....deal-breaker.

It is very amusing that the writer of the synopsis is really trying to make you divided on the subject by including language such as, luscious, untold carnal pleasure, and seductress. It's amusing because for some reason a mentally challenged disfigured psychopath probably isn't going to really sway me too much into anything regardless of how ripe and seductive she is. But then again this could all be to soften the audience up for when the guy from Wings bangs her. Oh ya, he totally hits that, a lot.

What can we expect from a movie that has a dramatic synopsis and cover art with the review blurb "As grotesque as it is jaw-on-the-floor funny!" Should the audience be sick, laugh, or feel horny? Look at the bright side, she does have the positive quality that she eats pu........cats. You know, if you don't like cats..... that's a positive.........right?

This isn't a movie review of any kind but I still can't help wanting to pass some kind of judgment on this movie just out of the sake of principle. A+ for trying to put together what just might be one of the most uncomfortable scenarios in film. D for the plot holes, and are there plot holes. D for the predictable ending. Take that as you want, I'm just happy that I can tell people about this movie and not have them look at me in disbelief and wonder after my tale of seduction and unspeakable horror and say, "....and this is a movie?"

....And This Is A Movie? #1

There are a few movies around the store that from time to time I just look at and think to myself "someone made this into a movie." Today I'm bringing you the first of a new series "....And This Is A Movie?" and I assure you that these "films" are real.

Elf Bowling: The Movie

Yes, you read that correctly Elf Bowling: The Movie.Yes, a movie based on a Flash game, about bowling.....with Christmas elves as pins. There are few better ways to really express the amount of failure that as leaked into our world from this movie making it to store shelves, than to take a look at this customer review from Amazon. And remember, this is from a person who purchased the film (which runs about $0.01 in the used section).


"I bought this movie knowing that it was more than likely going to be a stinker. Even so I was still hugely disappointed. I didn't know it would be this pathetic. The movie had the thinnest of plots which was horribly conceived and executed. The animation was tolerable but by today's standards still on the low end. The movie might have been a bit more endurable if the elves and voices were more like the hilarious ones in the game. In the movie, other than being shorter than Santa and having pointy ears, there was nothing elf-like about the elves.

At the very least the makers of the DVD could have added as a bonus feature the original Elf Bowling game that the movie was "loosely" based on and the follow on game.

The makers of this movie should be made to walk the plank."

I find this review just sad. I actually feel bad for this person, but I can't help but wonder what the hell they were thinking.

"I bought this movie knowing that it was more than likely going to be a stinker."

Why buy a movie that you think is going to suck? Ok, your kids might like it and you might jus........wait this person doesn't mention buying this for their children or kids in general. You, as an adult, purchased a movie called "Elf Bowling: The Movie" for yourself. and you were "still hugely disappointed"?

 <sigh> Lets just move on.


"The movie had the thinnest of plots which was horribly conceived and executed. "


WHAT?! No shit it had the thinnest of plots. The source material is a web-based Flash game where you bowl over elves. Where you sitting there thinking to yourself "Pfft, I seriously doubt that the events of the film so far would lead to an elf-bowl."

"The movie might have been a bit more endurable if the elves and voices were more like the hilarious ones in the game."

Now I'm starting to have a problem with you Mr. Reviewer. It's one thing to criticize the voice-acting. That is a fair argument for the movie sucking. But you had to go on and say that you think the movie would have been better is the  "elves and voices were more like the hilarious ones in the game."Keyword here is "hilarious." You found the voices in the Flash game hilarious?
As in....

hi·lar·i·ous

 /hɪˈlɛəriəs, -ˈlær-, haɪ-/ Show Spelled[hi-lair-ee-uhs, -lar-, hahy-]

–adjective

1.

arousing great merriment; extremely funny: a hilarious story; a hilarious old movie.

Well there it is then. If you make a movie on a game (even a Flash game) that someone actually found hilarious, and they feel that they need to write a review (with there real name attached to it) that closes with "The makers of this movie should be made to walk the plank.", you have seriously failed.

You made a person, willing to spend money on your product, that found the source material hilarious, want you to drown. A person who writes reviews for DVDs of fireplace scenes! At the least the creators of Elf Bowling: The Movie should feel really bad for what they have done to this person, hell, all people. Elf Bowling may just be a sign of exactly what's wrong with entertainment today.

Pathetic Attempts at Tag Lines and Subtitles: Issue #1

I've been going around the store looking for some of the poorest choices in Tag Lines and Subtitles around. Here in issue #1 are some of the "best" I've found.

Six: The Mark Unleashed

Lets take a look at the synopsis for what must be cinema gold.

"In the last days before Armageddon, a brutal dictator rules Earth. Using high-tech surveillance from satellites through a sophisticated chip implant, the Community Police Force infiltrates every facet of human existence, tracing each physical and digital footprint left behind. For humanity, freedom is just a fond memory and defiance means death. Two political prisoners (David White, Kevin Downes) meet a mysterious stranger (Stephen Baldwin) who holds the key to their escape and mankind’s survival. Unbeknownst to the prisoners, CPF agents broker a deal with an inmate (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) for his life in exchange for betraying Christian renegades. These three unlikely allies must escape the executioner’s blade, thwart a manhunt by elite CPF operatives (Amy Moon, Brad Heller) and join forces with the world’s most wanted fugitive: the leader of the resistance (Cosimo Michael). If they fail, humanity will be marked for death, the resistance will collapse and the enemy will have taken every last life."

Well what could we really expect with the subtitle "The Mark Unleashed." Personally, I consider the ANTI-CHRIST a little wild and uncontrolled to begin with, is it really necessary to qualify him now as Unleashed? Plus it seems that the dictator/Anti-Christ is already in control, shouldn't it read then "The Mark was Unleashed?" Also the mark is 666 not just six. If you are gonna use the very creative marketing strategy  of adding "unleashed" to our subtitle why not go for an edgier title too, like Six^3 (Six cubed) or 6ix.
Stephen Baldwin would have totally ate up 6ix.

Rec

Now this one was actually received rather well. Hollywood in all it's infinite glory even decided to remake it for that large section of America that won't read shit, especially subtitles. Despite all that however we still have this charming tag line.

"Trapped. No Mercy. No Escape. No One Gets Out Alive."

Ok...trapped, that's bad, I don't want to be trapped. What? No mercy either?  Well that sucks, sounds like a real bad time. No escape? Well shit.....I'm trapped and I can not escape. But I guess if I were trapped and there as an open door or window I wouldn't feel so bad about things. Oh damn, no one gets our alive?! Oh, but there is "NO ESCAPE".........so if I want out I have to die or what? I'm confused now.
 

 Treasure N Tha Hood

Just encase you are like me and have not seen this masterpiece.

"In the early eighties, two small-time criminals go on a crime spree, stealing over one million dollars in cash and jewels from a New Orleans crime lord. Their last caper goes awry leaving the two dead, but not before they hide the last of their "treasure" in a huge abandoned factory. A few years later the plant is demolished and a housing project is built on the site. Now, 20 years later, the "treasure" in the hood is nothing more than an urban myth, that it, until Deion, a good-natured but under-achieving college student who lives in the neighborhood with his cantankerous Uncle Willie, believes he has discovered the key to the mystery. As the word gets out, the neighborhood goes berserk, sending everyone digging holes everywhere. Laughs abound as this wacky situation goes from outrageous to ludicrous. " 

"Sometimes you find treasure in the funniest of places"

Seems like a pretty average tag line. Wait, are those quotes? Don't call me an expert but my experience with quotes being on box art or posters the quote is a statement about the film from a review, followed by who said the quote to give it some credibility. We have the quotes but who is the author?  Is this from the New Yorker? Snoop Dogg? Blender? Newsweek? your grandma? WHAT? TELL ME? My best guess is that it's a quote from the movie. That way the audience can get the classic "aaaaaaaahh sheeeeeeeeet they say that on tha box, yo!" response, you know like in Citizen Kane. "ahhhhhh sheeeeeet, it's tha sled, bro."