Argue With Me 2

It's standard practice for us to check the movies for scratches and fingerprints before we let a customer leave with a video, especially ones with a "these didn't work" warning on their account.

Customer I rented too the other night with a late balance totally over $100 and a note on their account that they pull the old "these didn't work" excuse for late movies comes in.

Customer: I'm returning these. They didn't work.

Me: Oh, sorry about that........<beep> <beep> Oh, these are 6 days over due.

Customer: Ya, but they didn't work.

Me: Why didn't you return earlier then? Or call us to let us know they were defective?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: (Open rentals and examine discs) These are covered in what looks like mashed potatoes and maple syrup.

Customer: Ya, those were like that when I got them.

Me: You picked out two movies from different places in the store that both happened to be covered in mashed potatoes and syrup? Potatoes and syrup that can stay wet for over a week?

Customer: I dunno.....

Me: I think I would have noticed this when I rented them to you last week.

Customer: Oh, you did work then.

Me: Yep

Customer: They still didn't work.

Movie Titles You Wouldn't Want Describing Your Sex Life 2.

She's The Man
Works on so many levels.


Desperation
Then again, getting some is getting some....


Far From Heaven
....unless it's just plain bad.

101 Dalmations
Believe it or not this was one of the last ones I thought of.
In retrospect I'm sure by at least number 100 this person wouldn't be in the "wouldn't want this describing their sex life" boat.


Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang
Murder? Murder/Suicide? Something awesome? Depends on what they mean by "bang." I try to keep live fire out of the bedroom.

Edition Idiocy 1

What happened to Collector's Edition? I know it's still around and typically on movies that actually deserve it. But it's these other films....the ones that make you think "Someone actually cares about this enough to think of themselves as collecting it?" or just have ridiculous names for a edition of the film that has perhaps one extra scene. It's time to drag these film into the harsh light of day and collectively shake our heads in disapproval.
 

Airplane!

This is by far the one that irritates me the most. In 2005 Paramount DVD released the "Widescreen Collection: 25th Anniversary Edition: "Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" of Airplane.

Did you catch that? It's the Collection-Edition-Edition. But what I think is the worse bit of this train wreck of marketing rhetoric is the "Don't call me shirley!" part of the entire thing. It's not funny. There is no excuse to use a catch phrase from a film as the title of the edition, especially a 25 anniversary edition. It belittles the entire thing, and makes it look ridiculous, which Airplane! can do all on it's own.

"Don't call me Shirley" Edition does not convey any amount of information about this release of the film. Given a collectors edition or Criterion collection we have an idea, but not with this sad attempt on trying to get people to remember that this movie was funny, once.

What's sadder still is that someone actually put ""Don't Call Me Shirley!" Edition" on the rental box label.

Movie Titles That Sounds Like Euphemisms For Genitalia.

Eye of the Dolphin

To start the list off with something like this seems like it might be a stretch. I'm sure by now you've grasped your brain around this euphemism. You're probably even thinking about the movie Role Models right now. I would have completely agreed with you that is euphemism is a bit of a stretch.

Until this......

Look again, totally SFW

Man-Thing
Is there a better name for this monstrosity that lives where it's damp and humid?
And to think this is actually a Marvel Comics character. You would think Marvel would be better about things like this. Well at least there isn't a guy flying around the city in tights lurking outside peoples apartment windows flinging around white sticky........webbing............ you pervert. Did I mention that the Man-Thing is also a thing of Seminole legend. That's correct, a group of Seminole Indians came up with the Man-Thing, priceless.

Do you have that one movie?

"Do you have that movie with the black guy and the white guy on a train?"


"Do you have that one where teenagers die, but they're not really dead, they're ok. Like, it was on purpose."

"Do you have that movie with Hillary Swank where she dies on the way to the prom. Oh, and it might not actually be a movie."

"I'm looking for a movie, but it can't have: womens rights, gay rights, race rights, jews, or anything against god in it. Violence is ok though, and some sex as long as it's not too much."

"Do you have the movie about the serial killer? You know the one that went on a killing spree years ago."

"Do you have that one movie? It's got "wizard" in the title.........oh here it is Harry Potter."

"Hi, I'm looking for this one movie I saw in here before. It had aliens in it I think. Where can I find it?"

"Hi, my kids is looking for that one game where you are a big green guy that shoots other guys."

....And This Is A Movie? #2

Jenifer

Now hold on folks, this one is gonna get a little weird. I'm sure you've heard this or have been posed with the hypothetical situation of what would you do if there was a person with a really hot body but an abomination of a face. Don't think too hard because you are all in luck! Someone has actually made a movie about this very situation and it's called Jenifer.

From the box:
"Steven Weber of THE SHINING,THE STAND and DESPERATION stars as Frank Spivey, a detective who rescues a strange young girl (Carrie Anne Fleming) with a horribly disfigured face and lusciously ripe body from a deranged killer. But when Spivey takes responsibility for the mentally challenged orphan, she reveals herself to be a creature of untold carnal pleasures and unspeakable violent depravities that may lead him straight to hell. She is seductress, psychopath and succubus all in one…and her name is JENIFER."

Ok, lets take a look here.
Horribly disfigured and lusciously ripe body. Well that pretty much sums up the age old hypothetical.

OH! and she's mentally challenged? Well now we have a whole new dimension added to the equation, though I really didn't want to drag ethics into the mix.

Objectively there seems to be a lot of deal-breakers here for actually going through with anything. Let alone sleeping with her and abandoning your family for cat-breath the concubine (She eats the family cat.)

Mentally challenged orphan? Deal-breaker

She commits unspeakable violent depravities? Well I guess you don't have to worry about telling or explaining them to other people seeing as they are unspeakable. Even still, deal-breaker.

She's a psychopath and a succubus? Well not exactly positive qualities....deal-breaker.

It is very amusing that the writer of the synopsis is really trying to make you divided on the subject by including language such as, luscious, untold carnal pleasure, and seductress. It's amusing because for some reason a mentally challenged disfigured psychopath probably isn't going to really sway me too much into anything regardless of how ripe and seductive she is. But then again this could all be to soften the audience up for when the guy from Wings bangs her. Oh ya, he totally hits that, a lot.

What can we expect from a movie that has a dramatic synopsis and cover art with the review blurb "As grotesque as it is jaw-on-the-floor funny!" Should the audience be sick, laugh, or feel horny? Look at the bright side, she does have the positive quality that she eats pu........cats. You know, if you don't like cats..... that's a positive.........right?

This isn't a movie review of any kind but I still can't help wanting to pass some kind of judgment on this movie just out of the sake of principle. A+ for trying to put together what just might be one of the most uncomfortable scenarios in film. D for the plot holes, and are there plot holes. D for the predictable ending. Take that as you want, I'm just happy that I can tell people about this movie and not have them look at me in disbelief and wonder after my tale of seduction and unspeakable horror and say, "....and this is a movie?"

Movie Titles You Wouldn't Want Describing Your Sex Life.

- Rush Hour
But then again, if Chris Tucker is involved brevity may be the saving factor here.


- Failure to Launch
Take your pick for the inspiration of erectile dysfunction, Kathy Bates? Sarah Jessica Parker? Matthew Mcconaughey's one tone.


- Crimson Rivers
I'm not even gonna go into this one. (That's what he said)



- Already Dead
Necrophilia jokes, the mark of an enlightened blog.


- Inside Man
Ya, ya, this isn't necessarily bad for everyone. Just try to think of this from a homophobic Tea Party members point of view.